


A Very Lonely Rabbit

by hidgayoshi



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Angst, Hide is pretty messed up, Hide is so sad poor baby, M/M, Obsessive Behavior, Probably ooc, a very angsty Hide
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-04
Updated: 2016-01-24
Packaged: 2018-04-29 21:10:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,185
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5142539
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hidgayoshi/pseuds/hidgayoshi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hide doesn't know what he's doing with his life. All he knows is that he wants Kaneki by his side. When Kaneki suddenly dissapears and leaves Hide all alone, Hide has to deal with his feelings by himself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Lack of Motivation

**Author's Note:**

> Yay, I finally got around to writing a new fic! 
> 
> I'm guessing this one might be around 3 or 4 chapters long? I'm not really sure where this is going??
> 
> My writing is either really angsty or really fluffy; there is no in between xD
> 
> Hide my poor baby ;-; I'm sorry if he seems a bit out of character, I will try to improve that.
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

It had been a couple weeks since Kaneki had gone missing, and the absence of his best friend had thrown Hide completely off balance. When Kaneki first went missing, Hide was sick with worry. After hearing that Anteiku was "robbed" he had called Kaneki almost immediately, but the only reply he got back was Kaneki's voice mail. For the next couple of days he was nervous wreck and anxious, all he wanted was Kaneki's safety. He worried for the ghouls safety more than his own. At night he had trouble sleeping for whenever he closed his eyes he would just see Kaneki's face and any dreams he had were plagued by nightmares. Sometimes sleep would escape him, and he would stay up all night. Tossing, turning, and waking up several times in the middle of the night; this was his reality of sleep now. His hands would constantly be on his phone. Checking it every two minutes. In the first couple days of the black haired boy's absence he had left Kaneki way too many messages. More than he can probably count. He didn't even remember what he said in most of them. His messages were mostly a constant outpour of words along the lines of, "I miss you. Please come back" and "I'm still here for you".

He would normally go to the university everyday hoping that Kaneki would surprise him and come to class. But this morning he elected not to go. The loud shrill of his alarm clock left and echoing pain in his head. He hastily shut it off and curled back up in his bed, bringing his knees up to his chest. The loneliness and anxiety, mixed with the alarming lack of sleep he had received over the past few weeks, had made him completely miserable. He felt physically sick, even though he was not, and his whole body felt like it was lead. He checked his phone.

_No new messages_

He sighed, being quite used to the sight of those words. Closing his eyes once again he tried to fall back asleep. But all he could think about was Kaneki. Kaneki. Kaneki. Kaneki. He didn’t care about anything anymore, he just desperately wanted to be near him again. He felt like there was a big, gaping hole inside him. He felt so empty. Closing his eyes, he could almost feel what Kaneki’s weight felt like when he was sitting on the edge of his bed. Hide tried to imagine the voice he’d been longing to hear again. But what would that voice be saying now? Kaneki wouldn’t want him to be worried sick like this over him, but Hide had no control anymore over how he felt. He never realised what his driving force was until now. Everyone has something that gives them a reason to get up for everyday, and he just came to the realization that Kaneki was his. He always wanted Kaneki to be happy; making Kaneki smile was one of Hide's favorite things. Even when he was upset over something, he still acted cheerful in front of Kaneki. He didn't want Kaneki to share any of his sadness. However being happy around Kaneki was rarely an act because he was the cure. Spending time with him made Hide feel better.

_Kaneki’s probably happier now, without you._

Hide wondered if his thoughts were true. He still cared about Kaneki, but did Kaneki still care about him?

_He has new friends now, he doesn't need you anymore. Besides, you can't understand him like they can. You're not a ghoul._

No, Hide was human. He almost wished he was a ghoul. He felt so helpless. He wanted to be able to protect and help Kaneki but how could he when he was just a human? His best friend was living in a whole other world, a world that Hide couldn’t be a part of.

_He was only using you. He only stayed with you because he didn't want to be alone. Now he’s done with you._

Was he mad at Kaneki? He couldn't even tell anymore. He couldn't even tell what he was feeling. Everday was the same. He went through the motions, no longer having anything to look forward to. Without Kaneki, Hide felt as if his life lacked all meaning.

He hated this. He hated feeling useless, and helpless. He hated it so much, and he wanted to hate Kaneki too. Why couldn’t he hate him?

_Why can’t I just forget about him? I’m sure he’s forgotten about me._

But he knew he could never forget. Hide desperately wanted to do something. But instead he continued to lay in bed, lacking all motivation to even move. What was Kaneki doing right now? Hide tried to think of an answer but all he could think of was an endless void of nothing. His lack of knowledge on Kaneki’s whereabouts was driving him insane. His brain was screaming at him to do something, and apparently it worked. He found himself sitting up and getting out of bed.

After getting dressed, he looked at himself in the mirror. The boy staring back at him was not his normal cheery self. The young man in the mirror had dark circles under his eyes. His skin didn’t have it’s usual sun kissed complexion, it was slightly paler due to all the time he was now spending locked in his apartment. The only times he would go out now was to go to class or to get groceries. He ran his fingers through his golden blond hair a couple of time before walking out the door.

The sky was bright and the sun was shining, which was ironic in contrast to Hide’s mood. He walked his way into both the library and the bookstore, filling his backpack with books. Anything he could find about ghouls, he added to his collection. It was kinda painful being around all these books, they reminded him of a certain someone.

When he got back to his apartment he dumped out the heavy weight of the books onto his desk. At least he accomplished something, even if he was indulging himself with hopes that he would be able to see Kaneki again. Hide couldn't stand being in the dark anymore, he needed to know what Kaneki was doing. And with Kaneki in mind, he dove head first into the world of ghouls.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I kind of got lazy at the end of this oops.
> 
> Feedback is always appreciated (/^▽^)/ 
> 
> See ya next chapter!


	2. Obsessed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for not updating for so long! xc 
> 
> I took a break from writing this fic because I didn't really like it, but after I came back to it I was inspired to write more! Yay!

Once he started, Hide couldn’t stop. He spent every moment of his free time researching. Anything about ghouls, about the ccg, and anything that could relate to _him_ in any way. After few days of scouring for information, it wasn’t long before he was able to find him. As soon as he heard of “The Eyepatch Ghoul”, he knew it was him. He kept tabs on anyone who he had been sighted with; his walls became covered with notes and pictures. Pictures of other ghouls “The Eyepatch” was associated with, news articles, his own notes, theories and predictions. All of these things had been pinned onto his walls. Like a puzzle he was trying to put together.

Before he lacked motivation to do anything but, now all he had the motivation for was to locate his friend. It became unhealthy; it was an obsession. He began to ignore his schoolwork in favor of researching Kaneki. His own health was being ignored, but he didn’t care. His sleep schedule and eating schedule had been completely thrown off balance. He often pulled all nighters scouring the internet for clues, or finishing the schoolwork he had procrastinated doing. Becoming unaware of his own basic human functions, he often forgot to eat until the point where his stomach was hurting or he was dizzy.

But he didn’t care, all that mattered to him was his little investigation. He often wondered why he was even doing this. What would he even do if he found out exactly where Kaneki was? He wouldn't go out and try to find him, would he? What would he even do if he and Kaneki were to meet again? Hide would like to think that it would be the same as always, that they would pick up right where they left off. Even though at this point he knew that was an unreasonable thought.

_What would I even say to him? I don’t care, I just want to be with him. I want to hear his voice. I want to feel his touch. I want to-_

Running his fingers through his hair a couple times, he tried to cut off his thoughts. The thing that make this whole experience even more painful for Hide, was that he had feelings for his friend. Whether he liked it or not, he was head over heels for Kaneki and he tried so hard not to admit it to himself. Everytime he came across a new picture of the ghoul with white hair and the leather mask, his heart skipped a beat. Even just thinking about Kaneki now was enough to dramatically raise his heartbeat. Somehow, his feelings bubbled into anger, but he wasn’t sure if he was angry at Kaneki or himself.

His head hurt, and he was completely confused about how he even felt about Kaneki at the moment. He refused to acknowledge any romantic feelings he felt towards the other, but the tight pain in his chest was hard to ignore. His obsession of Kaneki was beginning to consume him, and he reluctantly was aware of that. Rather than slip into a half-ghoul induced insanity, he decided to go out for a walk.

_I can’t go on like this._

Walking aimlessly, he pondered his current situation. “Ghoul hunting” was exhausting, and he was proud that he separated himself from it to get some fresh air. He then realized that he had subconsciously walked to Anteiku.

He hadn't been to the coffee shop since Kaneki left. Without Kaneki he had no reason to go, and it just brought back painful memories. Happy memories, but painful as well. It hurt. It hurt so fucking much he couldn’t take it anymore. Hide realized how much he needed to let Kaneki go.

He decided the only way to move on was to accept his feelings. And the feelings he felt in this moment, standing in front of the coffee shop he knew so well, were a very strong mix of emotions. It was time to move on, he had to. Whatever feelings he felt towards Kaneki could wait to be sorted out later, what he needed to do now was to stop letting the half ghoul control his life. If Kaneki could move on from him, then Hide could move on too.

Taking a shaky breath, he began to take the walk back to his apartment. He was proud of the realizations he had come too, but he pondered if he was really making the right decision.

_I’m lying to myself. I can’t let go of Kaneki, he’s all I have._

He cursed himself because he knew his thoughts were true. It was so frustrating.

When he reached a crosswalk, he saw him. It was like seeing a mythical creature, it didn’t feel real. But there he was standing at the opposite end of the road, the white hair would be recognizable from a mile away.

Hide froze, he had no idea what to do. Suddenly everything felt like it was moving fast, just like the pace of his heart. Kaneki surely wasn't here to see him, was he?

_Maybe he won’t even notice me. Maybe he's already forgotten me. We will just walk past each other like strangers._

But Hide’s that scenario was blown away when his eyes locked with grey ones. And it felt nothing like making eye contact with a stranger. No, Kaneki was looking at _him_ , and him only.

The light turned green, and the people began to walk to the other side of the street. Hide stayed where he was, still petrified under Kaneki’s gaze. Now Kaneki was walking _toward him_ , their eyes still locked.

To his own surprise, Hide turned around and walked the other way.

_No, no, no, no, not now. Why now? I cant- I'm not ready- no, no, no, no…_

The panic began to set in. He was walking away from what he was so desperately trying to find these past few months. Part of him of wanted to turn back but he had lost control. He looked behind him, sure enough, the ghoul was following after him.

That was when he took off running.

“Hide! Wait!”

He could feel the tears he tried to hold back rolling down his face. Hearing Kaneki’s voice, hearing him say his name again. It was too much. He bumped into random people as he ran, his vision blurry from tears. He didn't even bother to apologize. Everything felt so wrong, he didn't feel like himself. He was always so polite, what was happening to him?

He kept running blindly, having no clue where he was going. Eventually, Hide ran straight into a dead end.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Im sorry for the cliffhanger I will try my best to write the next chapter ASAP xD


End file.
